Better relationships beginwith everyday conversations

At secondary school I was named best debater in inter-school competitions and won an impromptu speaking contest. I thought being articulate and never lost for words was what good communication meant.

At university I majored in Journalism and Communication, and interviewed officials, academics, newspaper vendors and sex workers. It turns out one well-asked question can close the distance between people, and make people from completely different backgrounds willing to open up.

When I later studied for a diploma in counselling, I began to learn to listen properly. Listening, it turns out, looks simple but is hard to do well. And it isn’t only a skill for professional helpers: it’s something every one of us can practise in our everyday relationships.

Speaking, asking and listening are all part of communication. So why, from school to the workplace, do we so often judge someone’s communication skills, even their personality, by how talkative or fluent they are?

At work and outside it, we build and keep relationships with different people every day. Relationships rarely change through one deep conversation. More often, goodwill and trust build up slowly through everyday back-and-forth.

And I came to see that how we listen, ask and speak rests on a few shared principles. They can be learned and practised without changing who you are, and used in everyday conversations at work, at home and with friends.

Today I am a communication trainer, and the host and founder of the podcast The Helping Dialogue 同行・對話. I also work as an event emcee and moderator, connecting the people on stage with the people in the audience.

Outside work, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend. To me, communication has never been just a work skill. It lives in every relationship we have, big and small, every day.

What I share here isn’t only knowledge from my work and studies. It’s what I keep trying to practise in all these roles, and the way of communicating I hope my four-year-old daughter will come to see as she grows up.

Being yourself doesn’t have to mean saying whatever comes to mind.

Being yourself can also mean choosing how to listen, ask and speak to suit each relationship and occasion, so you look after others without shortchanging yourself.